A House Abandoned.

How relationships taught us to fear our own emotions and think we were the problem.

One of my passions as a therapist is helping adult individuals understand their emotions. It is seriously one of my most favourite things! But before we can even begin to understand our own emotions, we have to understand WHY we even struggle with them in the first place!

Emotions are natural and innately human. They are the energy within. They are part of ALL of us. Even if and or when we shut them down or numb them out. Let me put it this way....even if water isn't visible on the surface of the earth, if you dig deep enough somewhere, you will find it raging within.

So why look at relationships if what we want to do is understand our own emotions? Aren't emotions an experience of the individual? Well, yes - but no.

In human development, attachment theory to name a specific area; we are dependent upon our primary caregivers for survival. Our primary caregivers help us learn and experience our physical AND emotional body. The newborn cries and is tended to usually by the caregiver offering milk, checking for a wet diaper or clothes or offering contact for comfort. RELATIONSHIP. All of these acts of relationship help reinforce with the newborn they are SEEN, they are HEARD, they are LOVED, and ultimately they can feel SAFE and TRUST relationship(s) to others when they emotionally express themselves.

So what happens? Well often life just happens. AND NO PARENT OR CAREGIVER IS PERFECT. EVER.

So if you are a parent or caregiver, get it out of your head this is a blog to hate on yourself and pick apart mistakes and areas that need some growth.

We can call it misalignment, mis-attunement, or simply just a communication error or gap in timing of meeting relational needs. This is a natural part of human development.

*Trauma also happens and is excruciatingly painful for those who have lived it and are learning how to live with it. Trauma can happen in various ways and is very independent to each individual what is traumatic.

Ok, back to emotions. If you grew up with a caregiver that struggled to attune to your needs (regardless of why - this is not to blame caregivers/parents), you may struggle to understand your emotional needs and physical cues of your body.

SELF REFLECTION

Take a moment to think back over your life and all of the emotions you have experienced. Are there any emotions that you have a fairly strong resistance to feeling? For some of us that is anger. For others it is grief. Or maybe for others we were not allowed to express our happiness.

Working as a therapist I can tell you...the emotion is not the problem. The relationship that was not able to hold safe space FOR you to have that emotion, was the problem.

When we have an emotional experience we look to our primary caregiver(s)/parent(s) to help us understand the emotion, help us acknowledge how it feels in our body and they are the first ones to more or less give us the 'road map' of how to navigate the emotions.

If we grow up learning (not actually learning) our emotions in our physical body, we can get a bit of a mixed up idea that emotions are the problem. When again, it was just that we didn't get to experience emotions within us and have them SEEN, HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED, and SAFELY SUPPORTED.

If we fear emotions....sadly in a deep and subconscious way - fear our very own selves. We might even fear our physical body because we cannot control the emotional experiences that arise in our body. Or we exert a large amount of energy trying to always control our emotions.

Example: If I grew up being told my crying was too dramatic and I needed to toughen up....later in life I will fear my own tears no matter how valid they are.

The problem? It's not the tears. The problem...is the relationship that inadvertently taught me, tears are a problem. Because the capacity of that relationship was not able to hold safe and aligned space for tears in general I end up believing I simply can't have tears.

If you are wanting to better understand your emotions and not fear them if and when they arise in your physical body...let me tell you. It is not explicitly about the emotions AND you cannot do this self-work in isolation.

If it was IN relationship that we learned to disconnect from our emotions....it has to be IN relationship that we safely learn to embody our emotions.

Now of course I am biased - having done this work as my own AND being a therapist that helps others do this work. Having a relationship that can hold safe space for emotional exploration and understanding is foundational to changing this pattern. In therapist talk it can create an emotionally corrective experience for our healing. The more we can experience safe relationships that honour emotional expression, the more we can start to function from this place compared to previous habits.

Example: If I can come to a place in therapy or with a trusted person, to let even a few tears be shed or my eyes water up and not avoid or hide that my body is expressing emotion in this way...that is changing my previous pattern of shaming myself out of my own tears. It is emotionally experiencing relationship that is safe to hold space for those tears, even if very little at first.

When we want to improve our emotional health and well being, it really can't be done fully to completion, without relationships. I hate to break it to ya, we need each other for healing.

If harm is done through relationship, then healing is done through relationship. Plain and simple.

If you are interested in exploring more about your own emotional needs and relationships I have two webinars for you to really dig into the work!

High Achiever's & Attachment

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High Achiever's & Emotional Unavailability.

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And if you are not all to sure just yet about digging in to this kind of work...I have made for you a FREE digital download to simply look at what I call the cycle of rupture and repair. All relationships bump up against conflicts or what I am calling ruptures - things that feel scary or tricky or just purely frustrating. This free download walks you through understanding rupture and repair and guides you with prompting questions to reflect on your own patterns around rupture and repair in relationships. And as an awesome bonus I give you SIX simple tools to start improving your own experiences of rupture and repair in relationships. Get it below!

Relationship Rupture & Repair

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Thank you for joining me here, I love being able to share my thoughts and hopefully helpful pieces of information.

As Always,

Journey On.

Chrissy